And then it just clicked. Suddenly I knew I had reached the point where I was ready to put my needs behind me for the next few years. I knew I was ready for the next stage of my life, ready to have a child.
Since I was still single at the time it was also clear that I would do it alone.
And all it took to decide was one week of vacation in beautiful Iceland!
I love travelling alone as otherwise I tend to do what everyone else wants to do and not what I really would like to see and explore. Traveling alone also gives me time to relax, to focus on me and do some thinking. I find traveling alone can transform you in so many ways…
I’ve been to Iceland before during the summer months and I was eager to explore the country’s autumn/winter. I had a week full with activities planned.
I was definitely able to cross some lines on my bucket list after this vacation:
- Admiring the aurora borealis (northern lights) and the beautiful starry night sky out in the nowhere
- Go riding Icelandic horses in Iceland (a big childhood dream of mine)
- Snorkeling in the Silfra between two tectonic plates
- Climbing through a dark lava cave
While all of these activities are highly recommendable, I had to jump over my own shadow more than once. Especially the snorkeling and the climbing through darkness were outside my usual comfort zone.
And traveling alone has always given me a boost of self-confidence. I felt great after this week, like I could take on anything!
And it got clearer every day that I would regret it tremendously if I didn’t at least try to get pregnant.
During this week that I spent in Iceland I also turned 31 years old. So I was exactly one year older than what I had decided originally to take the first steps towards motherhood.
After coming to the decision to at least try to get pregnant, I’ve also thought quite a bit more about the next steps and the impact they were going to have on my bank account and my financial possibilities.
Money has always been a big worry point for me when I thought about doing it all by myself.
What I feared most was that I was going to be dependent on other people – mainly my parents – again, I definitely wanted to be able to support ourselves by myself. And too often I have heard of couples and women who have ruined themselves financially in the hope of becoming pregnant.
After all, if you’re not going down the traditional route, becoming pregnant can get quite expensive.
For me it was clear that I didn’t want to burden my child with a stressed out mother that is at work all the time in order to pay back these debts.
So yes, I was going to try to get pregnant and become a Single Mom by Choice but I wouldn’t be doing it for any amount of money.
I had to impose a financial limit on my dream, as unromantic as it sounds.
After all part of my dream entailed
- to be able to stay home longer than the regular three months of maternity leave and
- to not have to go back to work full time until the kid was at least one year old.
Actually, I didn’t want to go back to work full time for even longer, if possible.
Whether I would I have been this realistic once I reached that financial limit?
I don’t know…
What certainly helped me not to loose my mind and being too stressed about the self imposed end of trying to get pregnant coming nearer with each single try was thinking of Plan C. Because being an assistant until retirement age seemed a dull and sad countermove to becoming a mother.
I knew that if I couldn’t get pregnant and be a Mom I had to change something else in my life.
So during that vacation I started to dream up all kinds of alternatives.
I started to think about what I would love to do if I didn’t have to consider financial stability.
And I found that one alternative option that I loved just as much as becoming a mother.
That made me feel at ease with my decision, so coming home from this wonderful trip I was ready to proceed with all the very unromantic steps to get pregnant…
PS: You want to take a look at some wonderful pictures from my Iceland trip, you’ll find them here!