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Admittedly, there were times when I spent far too much time on the internet. But without the internet, I wouldn’t be a mom. Because it was only through Google & Co. that I learned how to fulfill my heart’s desire without the help of a man.
The following five websites helped me extremely with my decision, be it with practical information or simply because they helped me to dream and gave me hope again. Both were important to find the courage to go this way alone.
Of course I have visited many other websites and over the years also read a lot about this topic, but the following five websites I have visited again and again during the time I had to come to a decision. So my top five are the websites that helped me the most.
It doesn’t mean that it will be enough to just visit these five websites to come to your very own decision. I don’t think there’s a shortcut you can take here.
I still believe that the most difficult thing about this whole journey is really to make the decision, to find the courage to make this dream come true…
You will read a lot and still not come to a decision right away. You have to think hard about why you desire to have a kid and maybe you’ll have to mourn the idea of a perfect family, most probably.
Each path is a little different…
What is the reason for your desire to have a child?
I can highly recommend talking to a professional about your desire to have a kid, i.e. a psychologist or psychotherapist.
I did it, albeit rather unintentionally. I was in psychiatric treatment because of depression (another taboo subject) and expressed my wish in one of the many sessions. Through the critical queries of my therapist I intensively dealt with the origin of my desire to have children and had to admit that this was really partly based on the fact that I longed for love.
This kept me from taking the first steps to make my desire reality for quite some time. Only when I was sure that I would be happy without a child and, of course, had successfully combated my depression, did I decide to become a Single Mom by Choice.
By the way, some of the clinics require a psychological report in case of a single woman trying to have a child with the help of a sperm donation. With one or more conversations with a therapist you can, therefore, kill two birds with one stone.
But now back to the actual topic, my recommendations of websites that I’m sure will get you started and help you come to a decision at some point. Not mentioned – among others – my own blog, which I hope will help you a lot as well…
So here it goes:
My Top Five
This website is definitely my winner and shouldn’t be missing on this list. Even though I’ve heard that the forum is not as active as it was a few years ago (I’m not active anymore either).
It’s hard to believe that the organization behind this website is as old as I am. Jane Mattes founded the organization one year after the birth of her son in 1981.
Of course, women have always found ways and means to fulfil their desire to have children, but there was no talk about it (and some where very questionable). Even today, many women still visit fertility clinics abroad, return home pregnant and say the child is the result of a one-night stand abroad.
Jane Mattes really did pioneer work with the foundation of this organization and today’s generation of Single Mothers by Choice already has it a lot easier because of women like her!
The number of women she has helped decide to become a Single Mother by Choice or that this is not their path has grown immeasurably. Her book ‘Single Mothers by Choice: A Guidebook for Single Women Who Are Considering or Have Chosen Motherhood‘* has been read by virtually every Single Mom by Choice I know. My own copy has even changed owners, but got it back recently to reread it so I can post a review for you. But what I still know is that it doesn’t only help you to come to a decision, it also takes up many topics, which concern Single Moms by Choice in everyday life.
Above all, of course, the daddy question!
If you’re not so good at understanding English (which I doubt as you’re reading this) and would rather read and write in German, I can recommend the Forum von Single Frauen mit Kinderwunsch, SFMK for short. It is the German equivalent of the Single Mothers by Choice forum and was founded by Anya Steiner, author of the book ‘Mutter, Spender, Kind: Wenn Singlefrauen Familien gründen‘*.
I myself was also a member for a short time, but somehow I could never really get a foothold there and couldn’t get connected with other women. But that had more to do with the fact that I had already found a very good connection in the English speaking forum and was not willing to invest more time on the internet than absolut necessary.
But I know from other Single Mothers by Choice that this forum has helped them just as much as the English one has helped me.
The European Spermbank is only the website of ONE sperm bank, there are many more and I can’t judge which one is better or worse (why that is you will find out in one of the future posts, otherwise I digress here way too much). A Google search will give you many more informative websites of sperm banks and if you are more interested in the topic or you are undecided which sperm bank is the right one for you: Hannah from solomamapluseins.de has already taken the trouble to take a closer look at the different sperm banks (unfortunately, her website is only available in German).
The reason why I list the website of the European Spermbank here has to do with the fact that I was often on this site myself. This for two reasons:
- On the one hand, because it does a lot of educational work and offers a lot of information freely accessible, how it works when you ‘order’ sperm.
- In addition, the donor register is to a large extent publicly accessible without having to register or pay for it.
Yes and exactly because of the latter, this website has always brought me out of my lows. Looking at donor profiles has always given me new hope…
For me, the financial situation was an aspect that was constantly on my mind. Money is definitely a factor that you consider when you think about going it alone. After all, you will be solely responsible for getting your family off the ground financially. This duty cannot be divided, you don’t get any support, no alimony payments…
Accordingly, it is not surprising that especially women with good jobs, who are financially well positioned decide to go down this road. Often they continue to work 100% after their maternity leave! One also wants to be able to offer something to the child…
I am not an academic myself, I have ‘only’ completed a commercial apprenticeship and work in an office. Whether I can afford to have a child has been on my mind constantly during the time I had to come to a decision, sometimes even after I have come to a decision. Especially because it was out of the question for me to continue to continue to work 100% with a child. So would I be able to make ends meet for me and my future child with less money?
When I asked Google this question, the search engine referred me to the Swiss Budget Consultancy website, which I can really recommend to anyone who needs to tighten their belt in any way. The website is not available in English but in French, Italian and German.
The budget examples for single parents helped me the most (and I still consult them regularly today!).
Here again, Vitanova, is just one of many clinics that specializes in fulfilling women’s desire to have children – whether single, lesbian or in a completely ‘normal’ relationship with a man.
But Vitanova was also my clinic, the clinic I finally decided on.
It was clear to me relatively early on that I would travel to Denmark to become pregnant. To be honest, I hadn’t really dealt with the possibilities in Spain, Bulgaria and … For the most part surely, because I am a big Scandinavian fan, I loved to spend holidays in the Nordic countries, so why not combine the insemination trips with vacation trips?
But all this is not really the reason why I list their website here. The website of the Vitanova clinic has made it into the Top Five, because it reports and explains very informative about all the different possibilities to get pregnant.
I hope you’ve got some clues that will allow you to start your own research. It’s not an easy decision, it’s also a very personal decision and you may decide for or against single parenting. Nobody but yourself can make this decision, it was the right one for me, might not be the right one for you.